Understanding the five pillars of abuse

Not all abuse leaves black eyes or bruises. Sometimes abuse shows up in covert, calculated ways that are woven into everyday interactions and difficult to pinpoint. Many survivors struggle to reconcile their own values—like empathy, accountability, and transparency—with the actions of someone who violates those very principles. It’s confusing, disorienting, and exhausting.

Yet no matter how abuse manifests, whether overt and explosive or subtle and strategic, the underlying motivations and belief systems are remarkably consistent. The "Five Pillars of Abuse" help break down the core mindsets and social dynamics that enable abuse to occur and persist. These pillars are belief systems and behavioral patterns that abusers rely on to maintain power and control, avoid accountability, and devalue their partners. By understanding them, survivors can begin to see their experience in a new light, free from self-blame and grounded in truth.

Pillar One: Faulty Belief Systems

At the heart of abusive behavior is a distorted worldview built on misinformation, bias, skewed perceptions, and delusions of grandeur. For example, a belief that one partner is inherently more capable, deserving, or superior than the other can be used to justify constant criticism, gaslighting, or demeaning behavior. This could look like a partner who regularly invalidates your feelings, insists their perspective is always right, or claims that your attempts at communication are attacks. They may minimize your achievements or imply that you're not competent enough to make your own decisions.

Within a separation or divorce dynamic, this faulty belief system might manifest in a coparenting relationship where one parent constantly undermines the other’s parenting efforts, refuses to collaborate, or weaponizes the children to maintain control and destabilize the integrity of the parent-child bond. You might find your input dismissed in parenting discussions and your parenting time with the children manipulated. These tactics are meant to downplay one parent's involvement in the children's lives and place the abuser on a pedestal. These behaviors are intentional strategies rooted in a belief system that elevates control over connection and power over partnership, leaving the targeted person constantly fighting to be seen, heard, and valued.

Pillar Two: Image Management

Many abusers are highly skilled at controlling how others perceive them. They may be communicative, reasonable, and level-headed in public, while exhibiting entirely different behavior in private. This duality is deliberate, as it protects their reputation, discredits the victim, and makes it harder for outsiders to believe the abuse is real. In a romantic relationship, this may appear as the partner who puts on a loving, attentive face in front of friends and family or social media, but is cold, dismissive, or cruel behind closed doors. In the aftermath of separation, image management often escalates tenfold. As the relationship collapses and the targeted person withdraws, the abuser may carefully craft a narrative that positions them as the one who was mistreated.

A former partner might portray themselves as the concerned, responsible parent to professionals or the court system while painting you as uninvolved, unreliable, or unsafe. The goal is to maintain the upper hand by manipulating perception, isolating you from support, and making your efforts to establish an equitable parenting arrangement appear toxic, unreasonable, or overbearing. This manipulation of perception is not just a defense mechanism—it’s a calculated extension of abuse designed to turn truth into fiction, leaving the survivor to bear the weight of someone else’s carefully curated lie.

Pillar Three: Entitlement

A hallmark of abusive behavior is the belief that one is inherently better than those around them. This entitlement often shows up in relationships through double standards. In a relationship, this may look like a partner who believes they have the right to know your every move while refusing to be transparent themselves. They may demand respect and emotional support but mock your vulnerabilities and treat you with disdain. They might claim that your needs are excessive while expecting you to meet theirs immediately and without question.

In a coparenting dynamic, entitlement can manifest in a parent who positions themselves as the sole authority on all matters involving the children, asserting that only their decisions, opinions, or expectations should be considered. They may insert themselves into interactions with teachers, doctors, or therapists, refuse to support or facilitate the other parent's involvement, and make unilateral decisions under the guise of being the parent who “has always taken care of everything.” They may feel entitled to information they no longer have a right to, like information about a new significant other or how your household operates, or expect you to prioritize their wishes over your children's well-being. These relentless double standards are the abuser's way of preserving the illusion of superiority at the expense of a healthy, balanced relationship.

Pillar Four: Low Emotional Intelligence

A lack of emotional intelligence plays a significant role in abusive behavior. Emotional intelligence includes self-awareness, empathy, the ability to manage one’s emotions, and recognize the emotions of others. Abusers often lack these capacities, leaving them unable or unwilling to engage in healthy, respectful conflict resolution. In a relationship, this might mean your partner responds to stress with anger, indignation, or withdrawal, interprets your emotions as criticism, or responds to you with condescension. They may deflect responsibility by saying they are “allowed to have a reaction” while expecting you to regulate your responses perfectly.

After divorce, low emotional intelligence may prevent a coparent from communicating in a calm or respectful manner or cause them to escalate minor disagreements into major conflicts. You might experience hostility for setting boundaries or asking for cooperation, even when the requests are entirely reasonable. They may personalize neutral situations, like a child coming down with a stomach bug, and use it as an opportunity to berate or blame the other parent, implying they are responsible for the child falling ill. Emotional outbursts, long-winded emails, and periods of stonewalling when things don’t go their way are control tactics designed to derail cooperation and distract from the actual issue at hand. When emotional immaturity fuels the relationship, everyday moments—whether in partnership or coparenting—become power struggles, and conflict is used to obscure accountability.

Pillar Five: Preferential Treatment

Abusers are strategic in cultivating relationships that serve their best interests. Rather than forming connections based on authenticity, they deliberately seek out relationships that offer them power, credibility, or advantage. These alliances are the abuser's way of securing preferential treatment and further discrediting the targeted person. For instance, an abuser might hire a close friend as their attorney, knowing that loyalty will likely blur ethical boundaries. They may form close personal relationships with teachers, therapists, or law enforcement, knowing those individuals could later serve as reputable character witnesses or provide favorable reports in court. They may align themselves with someone able to provide them with financial support, reinforcing the illusion of stability and status. These relationships are not accidental; they are calculated and self-serving, carefully crafted and exploited by the abuser.

Some perpetrators will even go so far as to participate in therapy or other self-help services not to heal, but to perform. They adopt the language of emotional growth and utilize it as a shield against scrutiny—rhetorical armor used to reframe their toxic behavior, manipulate the narrative, and cast doubt on the victim’s perspective. They may pathologize the victim by casually labeling them "codependent" or "narcissistic" without any clinical backing, set “boundaries” that are in actuality demands, and accuse the victim of "projecting" their own issues, even when the victim is expressing valid concerns. These tactics can be deeply disturbing, as they mimic healthy communication on the surface but are intended to invalidate, dismiss, and confuse.

Abuse thrives in the shadows of systems that reward performance over truth. When an abuser is well-spoken or well-connected, institutions and communities often struggle to reconcile that image with the reality of the harm they've inflicted. The results can be devastating, as victims are forced to defend themselves in spaces where their abuser is automatically believed. Recognizing this pattern is crucial, not just for survivors, but for the people and systems that claim to support them. Abuse doesn’t always look like physical violence or chaos; sometimes, it arrives dressed in charm and cloaked in community praise. By exploiting relationships, garnering preferential treatment, and mimicking growth, abusers maintain power and control while leaving victims to battle a system too often fooled by surface-level impressions.

Moving Toward Healing and Clarity

Recognizing the Five Pillars of Abuse is the first step toward reclaiming your voice. If you see these dynamics in your relationship or in someone you care about, know that you are not alone and that the abuse is not your fault. Healing starts with clarity and continues by connecting with safe people, supportive communities, and trauma-informed professionals who can help guide the journey. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, please reach out to a trusted friend, a support group, or a domestic violence professional.

There is help. There is hope. And there is healing ahead.